6th November 2006
How is it with your soul currently?
This was the question for a threaded discussion for one of my classes this week. I’ll give the full question and my full reply in a few lines, but first some preliminaries:
This fall has been really hard for me. There were some things that I brought upon myself that made life less enjoyable (think in the realm of male-female relationships and being extremely unmotivated for school) but there have also been some things that are sort of out of my control. I have missed running more this fall than I had in the year and a half previous. I think it is because fall in Colorado is so wonderful and all the smells and sights remind me of all the sweet places I used to run. I find myself really wondering what God’s plan is for me and whether it includes significant physical healing on this side of the dirt - that is, will I have to wait for a resurrection body to run again? (And resurrected, will I care whether or not I can run?)
It has also been difficult living at my mom’s place again. It is really good sometimes, especially to be around and hang out with family and watch tennis matches, but it is also a bit frustrating to me sometimes - mostly because of my own lack of discipline and inability to get stuff done around here. I’m learning many things about myself in this situation.
Commuting is also not my favorite thing in the world, but the hospitality that I have received when I stay in Denver from my uncle and aunt, Bill and Becky, has more than made up for the inconvenience of commuting. And I have found that I can pray fairly well while driving, which has been a wonderful boost to my spiritual life and well being (though I have a hard time doing it while in bumper to bumper traffic).
All this leads to the question from my class’ online discussion: Does your life center around knowing, being, or doing? Do you sense a healthy balance? How is it with your soul currently? What is its condition? (Skim through the Psalms for a wide variety of “soul conditions”.)
And here was my response:
This is an awkward threaded discussion because…
I don’t think anybody really wants to respond to what other people say about the condition of their souls - and because we really don’t like to just tell everybody about what is going on inside us.
Right now, I want to say that I’m feeling like Psalm 88 (especially the NIV translation) and then tell everyone to go read it - but I’m really not.
I’m not sure which Psalm I relate to right now, but in the past year the ones that have been most meaningful have been 42-43, 71, and 73. 42-43 describes how the psalmist used to go joyfully praising God with the people of God and how he misses being part of the worship. I have been playing music and leading worship in churches since I was 13. When I was about that same age I was introduced to a church where it was acceptable and encouraged to move around and dance while singing praise to God and I found this to be a way in which I could really express my love. So when I became a paraplegic two years ago there were a lot of changes in how I am able to make music and lead worship and dance. It took a while for me to be comfortable with myself and during those time (and still) I felt a bit like the psalmist, who longed to join in with the people going to the temple.
Part of Psalm 71 goes like: from youth you have taught me/ still I proclaim your wondrous deeds/ so even to old age and gray hairs/ do not forsake me/ til I proclaim your greatness/ to the generations - and this has been my desire.
Psalm 73 begins:
Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.And then it goes on to describe how the psalmist sees other people prospering - especially wicked people - and he wonders why he’s trying to be good when it doesn’t seem to help. Finally at the end he says, when I was talking this way about you, God, I was a brute beast…Now that I see your righteousness I understand the fate of such people…
And then this gem:
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.And now? How is my soul? When the question was asked the other week, are we dry or is our cup full, I felt like probably the better question would be an active one. I have been dry but my cup is filling up right now. It is really good to be consistently involved with a church and have good friends from that church checking up on me to make sure I’m making it. And it is good to be part of a school where they tell you that they are more concerned with our spiritual formation than our GPA - though I’m pretty sure that as my spiritual health improves my GPA will also.
I’m learning a lot about myself and my past and my father and what pieces of generational sin have been passed down from him into my life - and dealing with it. I’m learning to be open and honest about my most significant struggles (the recent story of Pastor Haggard tell us of what can happen when we stop telling people when we are tempted or have fallen).
I’m regaining identity. I think that I have been wandering a lot for the last two years. It is hard to have such a large part of your identity screwed up (I was a high school and college track and cross country runner and an avid mountaineer [hopefully I can climb the half of the 14ers I haven’t in new creation, right?]). I still have parts of that in my identity, but I’m really having to find my identity in something different. We all are trying to identify with someone or some group and I’m dealing with my own needs for this (everyone out there should read Donald Miller’s Searching for God Knows What to see how much all of us really desire something or someone to tell us who we are and where we belong).
Am I knowing, being or doing? Yeah, probably. I would like to do more doing for certain, but I guess I usually underestimate what I’m doing already (you should read what I said on my website last year about being an “inspiration” to people http://www.darylholmlund.com/archives/2006/inspiration/).
Oh, and I will try to be nicer to Mark in my Ephesians class this week…
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