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    3rd June 2006

    Confession number two…

    I’m sick of myself right now. Or at least sick of the way I act sometimes. It happens to me from time to time that I get a very great discontent. Sometimes it is a sort-of-good-feeling discontent that comes from knowing I can do more with life than I am doing – that I want to do more. Other times, it is a very-bad-feeling discontent, coming from a realization of a great inconsistency in my character – or an attitude or habit which is not merely inconsistent but is really quite awful.

    This is the way that I feel right now concerning the way I treat and think about females who are in the same age range as I am. I’m terrible. I’m always really flirty and manipulative about it when I want to be, which means I’m either leading people on or trying to get to fruits which I have no right to. I’m an ass towards the females that I really like – women whom I really want to be friends with. But then there are girls whom I’d rather not bring in as real friends, and instead keep them on the outside so that there could be potential for non-committal cuddling or something of the sort – if she’s not really a friend it won’t be as awkward later, right?

    I don’t know that it is really a good idea to put this kind of stuff on a website, because I don’t want people out there to realize what a creep I am sometimes. But I am, and I would rather have everybody know and make it difficult for me to keep up habits that cheapen love as God intends it to be – habits which have a destructive potential I know all too well from my own family.

    And besides this sick feeling in my stomach that comes from this discontent, I’m also feeling the general letdown of having graduated but still not knowing exactly what to do with myself while at the same time realizing how far I really have to go before I will really be able to be responsible for myself (instead of my mom being the one who keeps my life running). I’m trying to fill out forms and make appointments and renew my drivers license (which had expired about a month ago) and I’m not doing these things very successfully or very efficiently. I’ve also been absent to friends and family lately, and when present I’ve been cross or stupid. I feel like I’m failing as a human being, as my friend Katie might say.

    As a follower of Christ, I know that my past transgressions are forgiven and that through Christ’s work and the power of the Holy Spirit I am free to live so as to please my God. And while I certainly don’t think dwelling on past shortcomings is healthy, to truly repent takes an amount of focused energy. And it takes confession. Confessing on the internet is kind of wimpy. But perhaps it will help me to confess in person to people whom I have wronged.

    I’ve been studying the biblical book of Hebrews, and one of the major themes is that there is a further rest which God has prepared for his people to enter through Jesus. In my discontent state, I long for rest. This passage from Hebrews chapter 4 reminds me that entering God’s rest requires obedience, and sometimes even requires surgery, but that the surgeon is skilled and sympathetic – knowing what it is like to be human even more than I do:

    11Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience.
    12For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
    13And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.
    14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.
    15For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.
    16Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

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    Copyright 2005 by Daryl Holmlund - All rights reserved.